Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
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Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
When you don’t understand how floors work
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*