imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
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Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.