I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
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Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes