[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
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Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.