I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
You Might Also Like
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.