Who needs an Air Fryer?
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Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…