*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
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British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit