Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
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I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
how high up are we talkin’?
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I feel it
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width