A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
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Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
respect
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
My work here is don’t.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.