Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
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COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?