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My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Sorry. Not sorry
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!