First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
You Might Also Like
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket