Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
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If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?