I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
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Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
E
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ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?