*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
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Software Development ⛵️
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Well, my evening plans are ruined
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners