My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
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Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.