Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
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My favorite farside!!
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.