It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
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Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Wednesday
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?