When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
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“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.