That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
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[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.