“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
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“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
I came this close!!!!
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud