Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
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Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase