*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
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Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Happy thanksgiving
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Self-cleaning conscience
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out