[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
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My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.