Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
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Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english