Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
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My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Barbie gone wild
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming