Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
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I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
When they try to steal your moment.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
this post was so formative to me
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.