If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
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You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Just a friendly reminder!
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel