No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
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My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.