Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
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Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Miscakes
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
cry laughing at this shit
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole