Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
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her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.