I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
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This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”