I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
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I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
oh good, now I can stop drinking
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.