Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
You Might Also Like
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
the last thing a carrot sees
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.