[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
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HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Seals are just dog mermaids.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
felt cute might bury dad later idk