Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
You Might Also Like
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
You saw nothing. I am ham.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.