I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
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“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.