Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
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Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
what day is it?
My blood type is b hungry.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.