ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
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Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.