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Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”