My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
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Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini