Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
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Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again