14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
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Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Bit chilly again tonight.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account