“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
You Might Also Like
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads