me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
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im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Otters see a butterfly.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey