Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
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my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can