A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
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*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Skills
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.