Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
You Might Also Like
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
So creative 😂
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.