just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
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People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
had to share :’)
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
hey, alexa
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]