I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
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Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!